Psalm 126:5

Those who sew in tears will reap in joy…

Sometimes I forget how much I’ve been through. It’s sad to say, but because of that sometimes I forget how much God has changed my heart and that He made a non refundable deposit of His spirit within me. I have been emotionally abused and neglected much of my life…first by family, then by friends and eventually significant others. Numbers upon numbers of people have expressed how unattractive they find me; some have made it their job to remind me that I don’t meet a certain standard. Others outright called me ugly. Amongst all that is the physical abuse I’ve suffered from– at the hands of others and myself. The pain that resulted from these things is indescribable.

By the grace of God, and that alone…my smile can still light up a room. My love still changes the lives of people around me. I still look for opportunities to help, encourage and spoil people…often complete strangers. Family is still the most important thing to me. Being a mother is still one of my biggest dreams. In spite of everything I have experienced, all I want to do is be the change I wish to see, to give people what I never had and to leave a timeless mark in this world. Sometimes it still hurts. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so sensitive, so defensive, so quick tempered and so paranoid. But that’s all a result of where I have been and what I have seen. Anyone who learns that about me would have to understand my ways. They are not always right and sometimes inexcusable…but there is a story behind it all.

After a lot of rough patches, I finally find myself in a place of contentment and appreciation. I have had to go through many bad and inconsistent friendships to find the ones that are true and unconditional. They have been my sanity through it all. When family failed, they stepped up. When I was almost unloveable, they loved me. When I pushed them away and took them for granted, they stuck around. I have suffered at the hands of people for so long and now God is allowing me to enjoy love. Pure unadulterated unconditional love from Him and the people He has placed in my life. Psalm 126:5..I have sewn in tears. I forgave and loved when it seemed impossible to do; all while streams of agony flowed down my cheek. Now I’m experiencing a harvest of love. God’s love for people abounds in my heart, inspite of the pain. Love I receive from those around me, it keeps me in awe. I’m sure this is just the beginning.

“the pain that you’ve been feeling, it can’t compare to the joy that’s coming” Rm 8:18