bruh. if you haven’t heard Sza’s album just do yourself a favor and go bless your ears…then watch some interviews she did about it. thank me later.
i wish i had some incredibly creative message for this first (not really the first but I’ll explain later) post PERO, i don’t. i’m in this interesting place where i’m just not into impressing people. i said this blog would be raw and i am sticking to that. my posts will mostly consist of what is called free writing. in layman’s terms, that means unedited, uninhibited material. sorry, not sorry for what you might be exposed to. if it ever gets to be too much, just don’t come back.
about the title…listen to the song on CTRL. dassit. shoutout to all of you who live the 20 something life of another 20 something’s dreams and special shoutout to all of you who pretend to. we are in the land of the flexers so I genuinely have a hard time distinguishing between the two categories at this point in my life lol. for this reason (among many others) i am really trying to wean myself off of social media. call it what you want, but clicking on the lil ghost icon or that weird looking camera one has become a nervous & unnerving habit for me. shame shame, but it’s the truth. anyway…
it’s pretty scary how much i identify with a good amount of Sza’s album (JUDGE NOT LEST YE BE JUDGED) but 20 something is the hardest one to admit that for. not to myself, but to you reading this. i think it’s an important declaration to make though. there are so many other millennials in the position i am in but feel like they have to put on a face. like the one i was committed to putting on for so long. now i’m convinced that the only way to get over these crazy random humps, heal from past hurts, forgive ourselves for mistakes, etc., is to acknowledge those things for what they are. no matter who might catch a glimpse of what that looks like, it’s necessary for your own growth. what follows the moment(s) of truth can be terrifying. trust me, i’m experiencing the terror now. you surrender your idea of control, then relationships shift and/or end, hella doubts and insecurities surface and the WORST: you have no choice but to face yourself; in all of your humanness and imperfection.
BUT the dope part is being authentic. with yourself first, and eventually with others. i’m still working on the latter. not that i’m putting on a face anymore, but i’ve kinda placed myself under a rock. for a minute i was on the scene, in the mix, had people in my business (LAWD!) and was sticking my nose in what had nada to do with me. so now, that’s dead. i stay in my bubble, i talk to those who talk to me and occasionally reach out to people i wholeheartedly miss. this may not be the best way to handle this new found authenticity, but it’s my way at the moment. i pray daily for correction, and let me tell you MY GOD IS FAITHFUL. He’s helping me discover this crazy thing called the other side of a story. listen, that thing there is something else. when you get outside of your own head and stop tallying offenses, you learn a lot. like what you may have done wrong in a situation. *just read that again and pause* mm hmm…it sucks lol. this is like ground zero, where i am. i’m sorting through debris from various phases of my life with hopes of building from the ground up. annnd i’m also giving the public a place to witness it…
Don’t expect much of me…you shall have truth, but not talent – Harriet Jacobs
–Ms. 20 Something