there are seven attempts at being consistent sitting in the “drafts” section of this account. they were never published, nor were they finished – as it is with other “potential posts” I’ve written by hand.

I have come up with every excuse possible to leave this blog where it’s been since my last post in June. for the longest, I denied this procrastination and its cause. I blamed it on not finding a theme for the blog, told a few people that I wanted to focus more on the book I’m writing and even tried the whole “I just don’t have time for it” bit. while all those statements are true, none of them identified the actual root of my avoidance: fear.

“I kept hearing messages about the importance of using the gifts we’ve been given and how it stifles God – not us- when we sit on them”

fear of overexposing myself (as I tend to do when I write), and fear of being judged as a result of that were my top two. there was also a concern of having this page stalked and mocked by a few of the people I know aren’t very fond of me. because let’s face it, this is the year 2017 where people get DRAGGED through timelines and in GroupMe chats on a consistent basis, just for retweets and giggles.  I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to that piece of paranoia.

but then I kept hearing messages about the importance of using the gifts we’ve been given and how it stifles God – not us- when we sit on them. that idea bothered me so much, i would stay up all night writing poems or mini essays about what I DIDN’T want to share here. thought I could make myself feel better by letting it out in my journal instead of the place God instructed me to put it. that’s me: always trying to find an alternate route for very clear directions I got from the Lord.

I often catch myself mid-sentence when explaining the importance of following directions to my three year old son. just as I remind him to do as I say even when he doesn’t understand why, I imagine God chiming in like “Oh yeah?…that sure sounds familiar”.

It gets me every time. 

ultimately, I am just like my son – an eager child, looking to get what I want, how I want it and unwilling to compromise on my terms. that’s not how a life in Christ works. I most definitely have goals and plans for my writing, they just didn’t include having to share my story on this platform first. BUT here I am. I’ve always considered myself a believer and Christian, I just wasn’t willing to lose things I valued in order to be a follower of Christ buuut…here i am.

following God’s direction and conquering fears along the way: a concept.

“So you must live as God’s obedient children. Don’t slip back into your old ways of living to satisfy your own desires. You didn’t know any better then.” ‭‭ 1 Peter‬ ‭1:14‬ NLT